I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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