honey bunches of taint.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You are a genius and a whore.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
