In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
