The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
