Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
