I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
