I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
pop tarts are not kleenex
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
