I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
