The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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