why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Drake has all the answers
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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