She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
