just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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