He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Farmville is her only friend.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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