Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Randomize
