My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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