my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
