I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
