Well douche your snatch and let's go!
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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