Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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