dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
