My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
