My nipple is on Facebook.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
