someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
