meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
