I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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