literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
