so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
