Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
