i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
