My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
