dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I puked a lego.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
