I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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