i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
