I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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