lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
