I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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