So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
