I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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