It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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