i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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