eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
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Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
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my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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