GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
