i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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