I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
