His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
