He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
