I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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