So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
