having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
