She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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