Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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